Lovely Bones.
Juno.
Alexandria.

:)

i dont hate you, know ill always love you but right now i just dont like you.

as far as i know, life has treated you fairly. you had the best people around you, you have a loving home, a loving family, a person that cares so much for you. but you never see it. you were too busy looking you never see whats already infront of you. but its okay, maybe this is karma for me, for what ive done. no harm done. you havent change, no one is to blame. i guess other than trying so hard to apologize, id just write my letter of regrets....

you.are.still.the.reason.i.smile
even in betrayal i trust, even in pain i love

when i was close to you, when i care everything about you, you turned away, you look at me as a little girl who gets on your nerves, when i gave you the space and time you needed, you came looking for me. when i welcomed you, you treated me like shit...but i still cope with the situation cause i care so much for you. but then you blame me? for what? when i admit myself i was wrong...you started to blame yourself as well and make me feel really really bad. tell me, what am i suppose to do? just answer one question. do you still want me to be here or you want me to go away. cause either way, its gonna happen and im not going to wait for you forever although you know i would.

apparently you made a scar in my heart, literally as in literally. i guess.

"theres no point remembering someone who doesnt want you anymore"

we loss some, we gain some. well thats just a chapter in the past. dont close the book just yet, just turn the other page and move on. we dont have to rely on other people, its not compulsory to have a bestfriend, a boyfriend, a pen pal or what so ever...cause at the end of the day youre going to die alone. and they are just people whos gonna be with you when youre alive, when youre dead, maybe some of them still remembers you by, and some of them couldnt care less about your existence. so you need not to trust anybody else, just yourself is the best trust you'll ever going to get.

sometimes i feel as if i live under a roof full of actors. a day, theyre nice to me and another day theyll get really angry, mad, in flames...worst thoughts you can think of. i love my family but sometimes i hate living in the same home. im always the black sheep of the family. i dont look like any of my siblings and somehow my siblings tend to use that fact against me. its funny at first but that shit gets offensive when i grew older. if anything's broken, the first name to be yelled is mine. to be blame, me. although i have nothing to do with it. what happened to the fairness of equality? what the fuck happened. so i was suppose to break my fast today with my family, unfortunately i had to break my fast alone today since my brother kinda put the blame on me for not knowing tonight im going back to my hometown. thanks man, i owe you big time, sometimes i wish your existence didnt exist within me and i dont know you at all.

Apart from being an architect ive also dreamt on being an artist. Im still stuck in a dilemma. Which to choose from. Architecture? Chemical Engeenering? Art and Design?Manipulative courses. If i can do all three, i would. But thats just stingy of me to do so. Like i said before, an inspiration walked in my life changed me, but unfortunately it left. Well i hope youre doing okay, you were the reason i started drawing again after stopping for 2 years. I hope i can go far with drawing/illustraion, i wanna make it big one day. Hopefully my own firm would do the trick.

So these are a few things ive been working on for the past 2 months.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=140594&l=996f9b6c07&id=740294074

MILES AWAY - Endless Roads

They had always been one of my favourite hc/punk bands. I hope they'll come by soon, listening to their new album is sick. The songs are bloody beautiful. I hope my package comes soon too, cant fucking wait for MA ENDLESS ROADS ♥

i tried to look quiet and look at the signs. before i went to sleep, i always prayed so that ill wake up the next day. 7 hours ago...when i was dreaming, i dreamt something bad. It put my family at stake. i cant deny, i was really scared. as stupid and extremely impossible it can be, i dreamt about terrorism. And my brother was at hostage. As much as annoying he could be, as obnoxious he can get, i still care about my brother. no, i dont wish to tell my parents, but in that dream, he died. And i woke up bursting into tears. this is the 2nd bad dream i had this year.

it all started on an absolutely beautiful morning, the sky was bright blue and cloudless. the weather was warm with just a touch of autumn in the air. i remember the day before i was lousy, rainy and chilly. i really didn't want to go to the my dad's office that day but instead, i decided to go cause my brother wanted to see my dad that day.
we caught the express bus to town as i usually do whenever i go there. the ride from our place was smooth and uneventful, the traffic was lighter than normal. as we were passing through the 2nd city i remember thinking that the twin towers seemed exceptionally beautiful, gleaming under the bright sun and crystal clear sky. there aren't too many days a year like that in kl. as a matter a fact, i can't recall a day since then where the sky has been as clear and perfect as it was that day.

when we reached the building, we boarded the bus and head upstairs. we were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. masked man, heads covered with black snow caps to keep their identity pointed a gun at my little brother's head, a man threatened me so that i wouldnt run. no this is not what i pull out from a movie, i really dreamt about this. somehow everyone armed forces came after a few hours the hostage were trapped, including my brother and i...still yet my dad is nowhere to be found. ill just skip the story, i met my dad outside, after i escaped he was on his lunch break so he wasnt in the office. we waited and waited...yet theres nothing heard from the lady holding the radio reporting every single thing thats happening inside the building.

i lost my brother half an hour later. he died with a gunshot wound on his right chest. the guy sitting next to me said "i never saw anything like that in my life, only in the movies."



i hated this as much as dreaming someone i liked with another girl. and apparently it came true. i just hope this one doesnt. i know its all in my head, but anything can happen. ive faced accidents, ive fractured a bone, ive lost a family member...and infact we all have experienced ups and downs: the ultimate downfall of our lives. im not here asking for sympathy nor am i boasting about my loss, im just trying to point out that we should care about the things we have around us before its put away to sleep forever.

i know you've changed when you dont tell me anything anymore.
apparently you changed my life, and then you walk away.

WE ARE LEGION

the only way to control people is to lie to them

I tried and i tried. Questions after questions. Day after day. I tried.

No matter how, no matter what, things wouldnt change and will not. I should stop crying my heart out. No one's listening...And i never intend to let anyone hear me, dont have to hear me out. Im the girl you should not feel sorry for, i had the world but i thought i wanted more. And when i had it in my hands, close to me, i never cared, i ignored. But when i lost something so subversive like...this...i regret and forever will live in regret.

YOU CALL IT FATE, I CALL IT KARMA.

OKAY BEST SANGAT BEST. FEW MORE MONTHS TILL SALVATION. IM GONNA LEAVE THIS COUNTRY AND START A NEW LIFE. okay maybe no, but on other circumstances i wish i really can. im sick and tired here, 100 miles south. i want to go abroad! it has been a while since i last boarded a plane and i miss the feeling getting sea sick, watching the sunset in the plane (which the scenery is breath taking!) anyways, i am really looking forward to my end of the year trip with my A, M, F. Okay random i know, the days when i feel like being random.

miss bangs-gone-wrong remain anonymous.
azreena the brace face gang.

so God has his own way of showing the truth.

MEMORIES ON THE PAVEMENT.

no one likes a sad girl. think about the quiet girl you knew in middle school, the sweet girl who was slow to smile. was she sad because she had no friends? or did she not have friends because she was sad? i believe melancholy people make others uncomfortable because being sad, genuinely unhappy, is a denial of a profound message sent to them especially. It is not easy to be around unhappy people, regardless of their age or gender. bu we are expected to be sugar-and-spice. the pressure faced by anyone who is sad to be perpetually sunny is so intense that gloomy people are met with intolerance...like me.

so ill wait for you for some other escape.

down with me to the shore, and whats more of you i adore. half a year, now tell me what is there to fear? because the sky is clear for 92 miles just for you my dear.

no matter how hard you try to hate and forget me...youd always be the perfect memory.

reading my earlier blog posts made a silent drop of grief rolled down my cheeks.

im pretty sure everybody has gone through the same thing i have. having to change just to make everybody else happy, keeping everything inside and once u let it out they turn on u is really hard. i stopped caring. im happy i stopped making everybody else happy and started making myself happy.

Where do people go if not towards the perfection of their own illusion?

► the laughter

▌▌ the memories

█▌ the pain

◄◄ the happiness

heres my confession:

i am only being nice to you just so i could forget my past. so i guess its better if you went your own way.

im not shy, i just find it really hard to trust and letting my guard down for someone. doesnt matter for someone you like or a friend, i still think that im in no mood let someone new in my life. its not that i dont want to, i just dont want just because of my silly actions you get hurt and at the end of the day, i live in regrets. its easy for me to ignore someone, but the fact that i will never forget them still wander inside my head. yes i am a drama queen, call me whatever you want cause it is true. i admit.

Axe to Fall.

im just going through a phase...where i dont feel like eating,
talking, doing anything or something worthwhile.
well by facing those for the past few weeks ive lost weight.
and its not healthy. but oh well. i have my days..we have our days.

Letting your guard down so someone can enter your heart and break it!

the feeling is quite nice really. you reach the point where you feel mad at the world and act like a total douche bag without really caring about other people. presence of guilt:NONE!

I bought something for you...I bought a few thing(s) for you.

theres jealousy in me...although you and your boyfriend fight alot, but you guys always find a way to work things out. im happy for all the girls out there with a boyfriend, appreciate what you have cause we tend not to care when its there but we care when they walk away. sometimes i feel sick to my stomach hearing whenever my friends talk about their significant other, reading post after post on facebook and people's blogs. but really i wish you guys the best of years ahead...i have nothing against you people, maybe im just trying to point out that just show appreciation towards your loved ones, you might just regret it later in life ;')

So you decided to see me out of the blue
Should I let you come over?
I think you're doing fine
That girl in your arms, does she know where you come from?

Almost made me move out of town
You don't want me to be around
But I stayed anyway.. just in case

Finding reasons to hate you more than before
Like how you said you would call
But never at all.. got rid off your number that I know by heart

You left your things at my place
As if I have all the space cause you know I don't mind

Just come back when you think it's time

I'm all black and white inside
Monotonous from left to right
I decorate my house with things you love
Just in case you show up.. in case you show up

This is my 100th post. Im pretending everything is alright, i think everything is. Im taking a big step, sorry i havent talked to any of you for a long time, sorry for my rude behavior at school, excuse me for my words, i admit i guess i did change. im sorry for being self centered, ignorant and make as if the world revolves around me and only me. ill try to make it up to you, i guess thats why people dont talk to me on facebook anymore or nudge/say anything to me on msn. but i understand i guess i blew your impression towards me.

i never changed my account, i was always here.