Apparently i miss the feeling when I'm here...

You're starting to build a home in my dreams and in my heart. Every night, i lay in this bed thinking, it's too early to fall asleep and we just need a little time for ourselves. Our hearts are heavy burdens, both you and i. So we shouldn't have to bear it alone. I am falling back on my premonitions, you're starting to become somebody to me. I've been through so much before, it's funny how the people i had feelings for are my bestfriends now. I don't want that. This time, i want the boyfriend and the bestfriend at the same time. You never fail to put a smile on my face.

I dont know whether you're going to read this. But if you knew, somehow you mean so much more than just this.

10 papers for 30 days = PURE TORMENT ♥

i really hope i can get through it. all the best to the other candidates, i wish you guys well! 20th December is my ticket to freedommm!

Everything is so messed up as it ever was and false hopes were raised from stray dreams. Underneath it all, underneath the smile, this skin, is an anxious apprehensive fool who just cant stop hoping for you. I am mulling over possibilities. Its not even possible. My laughter and smile only conceal the wreckage within. I am slowly disintegrating.
You're gullible, you are desperate at best. All you do is complain "I dont know what i want". Well did i mention your cries for attention is driving me insane?

This is going to be last. This is where im stopping, i hope you have the best people in your life. In case youre wondering on how ive been acting. Well...

I SHALL STOP BLOGGING :D I post too many emotional stuff. oo yes (realize after 150+ posts) oh no im a happy girl dont worry, i have the best people in my life this time right now, your existence really dont make a difference :B

Nowadays, i have lost the inspiration to write, to draw, to do anything. Focusing on something more worthwhile. So i'm sorry i havent talked to any of you lately, i really dont feel like it even if i replied im scared i would treat you like i dont know you, i dont feel like replying. But ill say hi one day, im sorry. Its not that im arrogant, its not that i think im 'all that', i just have hard time trusting people. I dont mind being friends tho, but this time right now its just not the time to make one. The year is reaching to an end. And im not complaining, its not like im perfect cause no one is but ive been encountering and meeting people who fight alot with their significant other every.single.day. Well appreciate what you have, you might just lose it the next day. Im uninspired. Im just a terribly disturbed girl looking for an inspiration.

The-i-will-be-away-for-awhile-face
be back on next Tuesday.

you are a complete mystery. i practically throw myself at you, i offer everything and anything i have to give. you take me half way, but thoughts always run in your head like crazy. you think i dont accept some your flaws, some damages and distance. I think its time you pull it out, youre so busy looking at nothing and couldnt get better...but i hope you find what you want in life. i just want to tell you that i miss talking to you, knowing that you get and understand perfectly about me. Everytime i talk to someone else, it just reminds me of how much they dont.

When I come to you with my problems, you turn me away. Youre too busy; you’d rather do anything than help me. When you do listen you don’t really hear. Sometimes you laugh at me. You don’t try to understand what I am going through and make me feel like an ungrateful little brat. I always end up feeling worse.

When you come to me with your problem I listen. Just listen. I don’t tell you my opinion or criticize the way you think. I try to cheer you up and make you feel better. You cheer up. You stop your thought of self-destruction and stop crying. You can breathe again.

When she comes to you with her problems you are there for her. You smile, hug her, and tell her everything will be okay.

I may not be as outgoing, or pretty as her, but don’t I deserve that too? Who am I supposed to turn to when I’m sad?

Or maybe, you just don’t care.

Okay so i decided to get myself a tumblr account. I had it earlier this year, but i never reblog or post anything on it...till last night. What i post there is photos, i enjoy taking photos and i wish to share it with the world, different from what i post here, only my writings. Anyhow, I hope you take a look at my tumblr and if its not much to ask, follow :)

stoked~ been ages since i last stepped on another country. wait, well not really been only a month. but still. universal studios with mom, then head off to orchard would be awesome since i have a walking atm machine next to me. reason why im excited for this particular trip cause last year in March 2009 when me, my brother and my mom supposed to go to visit my aunt in bedok, my mom couldnt follow. cause on our way to sg, when filling the white card she found out her passport expired already. funny. luckily we just reached melaka, so we took another bus then head off to j.b. anyways so yea, since my mom is sooo busy and this saturday is the only day she's free for the past 17 weeks, i dont mind turning down paramore for a day with mom in singapore :)

10/10/10

so today i went to the zoo with my sister and her friend + izzat tagged along too! banem felt like a proud parent cause she brought izzat for his first visit to the zoo :B anyways, i had fun, im glad i spent it with this people. worth. every. single. minute.

secret: i cry every night because the boy i used to love moved on already

The feeling of something missing. what is it? its a void in my mind. a void in my life. i searched for eternity but i know i may never find. this empty space between the envelopes of my universe. I am content but there is some absence. i hate this feeling, this surfacing emotion that tugs gingerly at the core of my brain. a distance enough to crawl under the covers of denial, but close enough to hide inside my own shadow. will it ever leave? will these pondering thoughts ever detach? in my brain, in my skull leaving my throat tight...like a slow suffocation for a lifetime, my lifetime.

will i ever make it go away. i can write inot that endless elapse of time known as today and suppress this emptiness to the bottom of my mind. i can close the door and discard its key, curing this inner self by simply living. i can keep running and keep that freedom and although this feeling will still exist somewhere in me, i will not listen cause i realize that if he doesnt care i could be missing out on someone who does.

DOWN WITH PARAMORE, HELLO SINGAPORE

yeah most of my friends said that i was stupid for selling off my ticket. but hey you really want to know something, i am not that big of a fan of paramore. ive always liked avril lavigne than hayley williams. but no doubt she's an amazing, fantastic singer, hands down ♥ but i guess i wouldnt want to hear my dad blabbing how near is my exam is coming: MILESTONE TO ADULTHOOD. Anyways im following my mom to jb and not go to paramore. going to school and not going to paramore. going to my extra class and NOT going to paramore. lol its ironic. you know when a band is about to perform somewhere their songs would be playing all over the radio stations. everytime i step in the car, theres no doubt im going to hear hayley's voice screaming her lungs out. but nevermind, i still have time ahead of me. MA had always been the best, id rather go there and spend my last moments of freedom before total freedom umgh there :)

you moved on and so did i. you told me to look for someone better, so i did. you can spend, hours, days, weeks or even years trying to dwell on this, but i. am. done. friends? i dont mind but im sorry this time its me who has to walk away. theres no point of me over-analyzing the situation over and over again. trying to put the pieces back together, justifying what could have, would have happened. i should just leave the pieces on the floor. another day, a broken promise. yeah those were lovely memories but those were yesterday's feelings.

you are a devastation in the form of a such a lovely, divine human being.

this time its not the fear of rejection im facing. its just “you no longer ignite a light inside of me…”. i care so much about you but sometimes you let me down. you let me down all the time. unfair for me to go through the pain everytime you say hi and bye. it doesnt work simple as that. im not scared of the dark, im just scared of what i might encounter when im in it. im not scared of heights, im just scared that the pain from falling will hurt me so fucking deep. i feel like both could have moved further but...life is too short for love to be anything but amazing. thought you hated me and i was going to confront you for hating me for the wrong reasons, because you always seemed to ignore me. but then you said hi to me last week. i always have a hard time trusting people and the tendency of others to take advantage of my trust towards them. i used to be new in the betrayal game, but One has taught me well about life and i will always remember this one person that you should not be afraid of taking risk and letting your guard down. im sorry but i can no longer imply that in myself anymore, i feel mentally challenged. mindfucked with everything that is happening around me. im not antisocial...im not avoiding people, im just scared of rejection. the fact that im not afraid of trying again. im just afraid of getting. hurt. cause. of. the. same. reason.

im this girl who is vulnerable to that cold, stabbing pain called rejection.

i remember each and everyone of the people in my life that i took a photo with, every single goddamned one, that includes you ♥

out of all the boys; the rich, the tall dark and handsome, popular, generous and kind boy i still choose the egoistic and ignorant boy who always treat me like shit. although he's nothing close to perfect but the fact is, he's different. i will always care about you. no really i dont want to talk about it, its fine with how we're now. truth is, i miss you. if i get to see a glimpse of your face itll be good enough to go away for years.

one day, on one divine day ill name my kid after you. and in 10 years time, id be telling them how lucky i am to have met a person so subversive yet still means the world to me.

"if i stayed a little longer. would you still listen to my heart?"

yes. i promised. remember.

ive been lethargic these days, thinking...

as i sit here, trying my utmost hardest to focus on work i cant deny that there are tears rolling down my eyes. everyone around me and everything is just falling apart. i dont know if you really knew me, but im someone who cares about someone else more than myself. i just put them a priority before me.

why do you even wonder if you were to had other parents. would you think your life would me much more simpler? less drama? having a family filled with love and adoration for one another. not a constant war of words. everyone needs someone to lean their heads on, a shoulder to cry on, someone to go through all this shit with but all whats in your head is lonesome. people are here to help although everyone has reached the verge where they cant do anything anymore. i know the feeling wanting to start your own life and get away from all this but you cant you are still a kid. youve relied on your parents for the past years, tell me how do you break free. there are reasons for the stories told by your mum. but whenever she tells you something, you will look away. youre tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. you think how does it makes her feel, how hurt and painful shes feeling inside. nobody likes seeing someone close to them fall apart but it happens almost. every. single. day. youre not neglected by any parties, people care they just dont know how to show it. someone may put a strong face and look fine with it but really theyre not. theres always people waiting to help us, as much as people say they care and love you tho they may let you down all the time, but the fact that they stayed...they stayed. I STAYED

September is reaching to an end. October is not far from now. The only reason i left is cause you left me. But i really wish you the best in life, i pray that every day you would live in a happy home, with a loving family by your side. but for now i dont care how much she cares about you even if she lived forever, i know she could never care about you as much as i do right now, and you know better. Just when you think “thats out of the way” another issue and another dissapointment comes coming. Overbearing stress because of the feeling of obligation and responsibility for eveyrthing that happens. You always ask me why is it so hard to please and satisfy everyone. I tell you...youre already good and nice the way you already are. What more you want to change. From what i see, youre a good example of a friend, will never be a disappointment.

theres this one thing ive been wanting to do with a significant other all my life, since i was a kid. for me just to go across the sea together. im going to do that. by whatever means, ill just drag him along even he had sea sick, even if he's afraid of heights, even if he doesnt know how to swim. i want to travel cause my parents doesnt have the time to actually bring me around the world. all this while it has just been me, my brother, my sister and cousins. well whats the wrong in going with someone i care about. here's the surprise. i got a surprise for you. i know that you know but lets just say when the time comes, doesnt matter whether theres rain or sunshine, in pain or in love. i will pass it to you one day, one divine day :)

This year, year 2010. time flies so fast that i lost track of time.

i got my big exam tomorrow, starting from 23rd of September until 22nd December. i hope i do well. ill update my blog from time to time.

when im done, im going to start backpacking again. my last trip to spore was err...not that fun. prolly cause i went alone and too busy thinking about exams. its sad that my friend, sabrina is no longer staying there. I NEED A PLACE TO STAY!!!

k wtv to whom who may concern, goodnight :)

12:01am.

The moments when i used to feel infinite. I even get butterflies whenever i start thinking back.

i remember mediocre experiences as happy memories but who am i to speak, those moments are long gone. not only out of my reach but forever out of my sight and they are never going to come back. the nostalgia hit me so hard in the face. but someone told me; Sometimes the memories are not the most reliable things. no matter how much i try to re-create something...trying to bring back it just can never be the same.

things move on. just like people and time. no matter how much i might miss those moments, i am happy. i'm happy and content with the people that i still have in my life. we can never hold onto something forever, that you know just isnt going to come back. its time to put the memories in the past where they belong. we have an innate tendency to mold information the way we'd like to believe it and our “happy memories”. you feel one of the days when you look back its always nice, to remember the memories that we made. no one ever forgets them.

i think im really making progress here. im picking up the pieces and moving on. it feels great. i think the feeling did fade, it did go away. ive got nothing left to lose. so im after all the little white lies. so now here i am...living my life at best. focusing on something more worthwhile and not something subversive. i want to do well in life, if i dont get someone to share it with then theres nothing left to do. I cant fight fate. i still have my family and bestfriends. i dont mind :)

you can tell the world what you want them to hear. i am done with you. 24 hours wont heal the pain, 24 years it will stay the same. lets cover the tracks we have left, i wish you well and find whatever youre looking for.

"maybe im a shot in the dark but youre the morning light"

2007,2008, 2009, 2010. Thebest4fuckingyearsofmylife thank you:)

My bestfriends, Farahain, Marsha and Amira.

Nabil, my bestfriend.

Munifah and Eleena ♥

Azreena!

Acap and Azreena represent!

The ladies

Thank you for coming! You guys are awesomeee. I had fun!

when im depressed i will start to draw...
ill start to draw something with strong lines.
yea thats how i let go of my anger, cats and drawings.
they understand me...unlike you ♥

when i finally forget about a guy then another one comes in, then i cant forget him now. arh perangai wa piangz sia. stress, why must i like guys, theyre like major letdowns, mindfuck uh their words and actions.

“How can you be afraid to fall in love?”
when your girlfriend lives 150 miles away, and
you can only end up seeing her twice a month at most,
and you’re the most paranoid person ever, it’s starting
to make sense. but she loves you. and she told you this
first, that you guys are best friends. everything she says sounds
so sincere, but it’s all just a mindfuck anyway.

she tells herself she wouldn’t even care if he fucked her over,
but then she will get really sad and scared when she think of losing him.
Although she doesnt really believe he loves her. she feel like it would
be a more powerful feeling. but now she feels guilty. because she
wants to force herself to love him back, but she doesnt know how.
and you can’t fake love. maybe shes not meant to love anybody.

so hi
I’m the fucking tin man from the wizard of oz. I have no heart.

a part of me is dead

Do you want this *___?

No i dont.

Why? Are you scared?
No, im done hoping for you

Youre scared the feeling will grow huh?
The feeling is always there, just that you dont love me you still love her and you just like the idea of me being here for you

Thats unfair...
Well life's unfair, you figure out whats best for you, until then i am still your friend and i will always care for you.

and i dont want to be the rebound, im. just. a. person. from. your. past.

you came back...i guess i wasnt quite sure what to say to you. darling, youre the only on Earth i want to have but now im not so sure that was true after the hell you put me through. theres no sharp pain this time just the ghost of your presence compressing my chest like vines. i still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again. so we cast our hearts in plaster...

im not a toy that you can play with. im not a puppet with strings around my fingers for you to pull and watch as i collapsed whenever you want. im not someone you can use...im not clean, im not pure, so you need not to rest until youre sure cause i dont want to hope.

i fell in love with la dispute over again. last time i had the eits fever, now la dispute is starting all over again.

It must be true what people say, that only time can heal the pain.
And every single day I feel it fade away, but -
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
And lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
Though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
To turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.

—Andria


I felt your sickness brush against my arm as I walked by you —
Heard your voice but couldn't tell that it was you.
And, slowly, watched your sickness slip away into a place
That I'd once feared but I was not afraid this time
So I gave chase and found it, finally, slowly feeding from your head,
And from my friends, and from my family, so I grabbed it by the neck.
"For every lover you have ruined..." I dug my nails into it's flesh.
"... and every life that you have taken..."
Slammed it's head against the brick.
It's blood poured out onto the pavement,
I stirred it in with dirt and spit,
"I will take a part of you."
I made mortar from the mix.
Tore every organ from it's body,
Broke it's bone and fashioned bricks,
I laid the mortar in between,
I made a throne for hope to sit.
"Too long you've torn us into pieces,
Firmly held onto our wrists. Today I bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.

—The last lost continent

i dont know why. sometimes i find it scary that somehow all the actors / artist i like starts with the letter J. cause thing is i rarely have celebrity crush.

Joseph Gordon Levitt
Jonathan Bennett
Juliette Simms
John Mayer
Jason Reeves

sometimes i have a feeling like my soon-to-be boyfriend starts with a letter J. well im just saying...

the first time I saw you, you turned away. i didnt see you with the blinded lights in my eyes. i said "hello" but you kept on walking, i turned deaf from the sound of the freeway. i didnt mean to meet you then, i was just a kid, i didnt mean to give you the chills, so im sorry. i didnt mean to fall, but i did. now here i am sitting by myself thinking of what to do. thinking of something new. i dont mind waiting, i never did. but you know what, nothing seems to work out. cause youre all thats on my mind, it only takes one thought of you to make me leave the rest of the world behind. The holidays had past, im glad i didnt spend it alone, memories of the time then will just kill me if i was on my own. my best laid reconsideration will only build and break your heart and only tear the whole world apart. my mind keeps racing cause im only scraped and sober but theres no one listening. is this anything beyond what you imagined? in the end we will forget what we used to say, as we both drift away and it wont change it will stay as it should be.

23/3

i got this serious illness with my digestion im glad its over with. thought:ive always wanted to be someone important to another someone. i guess, its still not the time of the year to get one. better luck next time.

i think i saw you in my sleep darling, i think i saw you in my dreams you were stiching up the seams on every broken promise that your body couldnt keep.
i think i saw you in my sleep...
i thought i heard the door open, oh no
i thought i heard the door open but
i only heard it close.

"i will never break you heart"...but you did, you did darling

so lesson learned, promises are meant to be broken, never make a promise if you cant keep it. lies are meant to be kept, so that you dont break One's heart.


as time past, as weather has changed i still love you.

yes here i go again, crying my heart out. this suck, i hate staying up late with nothing to do, i tend to look back. i tend to think back. i hate i hate i hate, i dont want to go through this every single day. maybe the story isnt finish, thats why i still have the urge to talk and speak. the page was left unwritten, so tell me what do you expect? the fact that i cant let go of this anger and hatred inside me being betrayed, being lied to in the face. how can i not see it coming. charms blinded me from seeing. sometimes...no i really regretted choosing something not worthwhile. i had the best one in my hands, so close to me then i just had to go and slip away to something subversive and unworthy of my presence. im never going to stop posting angsty and hateful posts cause ill never forgive and forget what has happened...words wont describe my rage, fullstops wont stop my anger, apology wont solve the maze.

i guess i never appreciate what i have. everything i lose is because of my mistakes, my carelessness. this time im going to make things right and not blow every chance i got and regret later. stuck in reverse.

so, hi. i disabled my formspring cause somehow people tend to ask me the same question over and over again. sorry i didnt answer some of it there. if any of youre wondering might as well i just answer it here.

1. Honestly in my whole life i only had 3 boyfriends.

2. In my last relationship, no i didnt ask for the break up.
3. Yes my ex boyfriends have met my parents and family
4. Ive played the piano since i was 6. But i stopped playing for 5 years not until last year.
5. Yes i draw and yes, i drew what you ever you see in my album.
6. I use a Nikon D90.
7. No im not rich, i just know how to save money.
8. I order my stuff online, i barely shop locally.

Currently:
Im interpreting my version of Lykke Li's - Possibility and Paramore - When it Rains (+) Doing a collage of stencils. I hope i finish these by end of this week.

unfamiliar faces

its not the best cover but i just find the lyrics very truthful and that i like atl.
"im over you now im at home in the clouds towering over your head"

im still thinking whether i want to do a new account. cause my list is getting pile up with people i dont even know. plus, i dont want the tagged photos from before, past posts, ill just end up reading through it everyday. sooo yeah, ill get back to you with this soon.

ignorance is not bliss.

many define ignorance differently if they are speaking about themselves or someone else. you may view your own ignorance as innocent yet someone else is guilty of their own ignorance. you might notice a difference. how do you judge or reprimand? some people are harder on self than they are on others. what are some possible reasons for your choices? Consider why people focus on things they believe they cannot do. In some cases, they even fight about it. you may view this as selective ignorance of potential or, you may simply notice discordant energy. the different levels of awareness affect perception of what you choose to see and feel right now. so ask yourself how you avoid being present in the moment and what you are becoming in future. to be present is to have a mind which is empty of thought, fear, judgment, everything. some people are convinced they are complacent if they do not find reason to feel anxious. so tell me now what brings you inner peace? cause i cant seem to find mine.

- nice teeth
- small eyes
- good english
- DOES NOT LISTEN TO HARDCORE (FUCK OFF)
- my alter ego
- never called me babe
- a pessimist (helps me see reality)
- never call me everyday
- never text me everyday
- but talk to me everyday (HOW NOW? : well theres a way, just think out of the box)
- never pay for my food (if you did ill pay you back or hide a stash of money under something)
- not just my boyfriend, but my bestfriend

in my eyes youre going to be the best boyfriend, but in others youd be the worst one.

you used me to let go of your past and im glad i was there to help you out of the dark. im glad i ignited the dimmed splinter. thank you for everything my friend.

one day you will find that in this world today, theres a lot of people taking advantage of innocent people and its not just the vulnerable ones, but a bigger percent of the society, which go on living with these advantages as they dont know if/or any which way to turn withough being terrified that their life might not be worth living. if i were to seek or do anything legal that might put their day living in jeopardy. this has always affected me and everybody else extremely and has contributed to the way that i am, in my everyday living. whatever happened to everyone helping one another in deep shit situations? our surrounding is getting a bad place to live in by the minute.

Well i guess if i dont want people to trample over me, i got to show them that i have dignity and that i have respect for myself and that i demand no less when people approach me. Ill stand for whats right, it doesnt hurt to say 'no' and its okay to say 'no' for the good to you and to say 'yes' to the best. Here i am letting my guard up, dont expect to let my guard down now cause youre on your own now. told you im not going to wait forever ♥

"i wanted everything to stay the same, but feelings fade and people change"

maybe you havent heard, yes the fact that im still schooling, yes. my big exam is in 2 months time, minus all the public holidays we have, weekends. i have approximately 3 weeks. im living in a hectic life. its hard. well to get good grades you have to work hard now dont you. i hope the hard work pays off.

Lovely Bones.
Juno.
Alexandria.

:)

i dont hate you, know ill always love you but right now i just dont like you.

as far as i know, life has treated you fairly. you had the best people around you, you have a loving home, a loving family, a person that cares so much for you. but you never see it. you were too busy looking you never see whats already infront of you. but its okay, maybe this is karma for me, for what ive done. no harm done. you havent change, no one is to blame. i guess other than trying so hard to apologize, id just write my letter of regrets....

you.are.still.the.reason.i.smile
even in betrayal i trust, even in pain i love

when i was close to you, when i care everything about you, you turned away, you look at me as a little girl who gets on your nerves, when i gave you the space and time you needed, you came looking for me. when i welcomed you, you treated me like shit...but i still cope with the situation cause i care so much for you. but then you blame me? for what? when i admit myself i was wrong...you started to blame yourself as well and make me feel really really bad. tell me, what am i suppose to do? just answer one question. do you still want me to be here or you want me to go away. cause either way, its gonna happen and im not going to wait for you forever although you know i would.

apparently you made a scar in my heart, literally as in literally. i guess.

"theres no point remembering someone who doesnt want you anymore"

we loss some, we gain some. well thats just a chapter in the past. dont close the book just yet, just turn the other page and move on. we dont have to rely on other people, its not compulsory to have a bestfriend, a boyfriend, a pen pal or what so ever...cause at the end of the day youre going to die alone. and they are just people whos gonna be with you when youre alive, when youre dead, maybe some of them still remembers you by, and some of them couldnt care less about your existence. so you need not to trust anybody else, just yourself is the best trust you'll ever going to get.

sometimes i feel as if i live under a roof full of actors. a day, theyre nice to me and another day theyll get really angry, mad, in flames...worst thoughts you can think of. i love my family but sometimes i hate living in the same home. im always the black sheep of the family. i dont look like any of my siblings and somehow my siblings tend to use that fact against me. its funny at first but that shit gets offensive when i grew older. if anything's broken, the first name to be yelled is mine. to be blame, me. although i have nothing to do with it. what happened to the fairness of equality? what the fuck happened. so i was suppose to break my fast today with my family, unfortunately i had to break my fast alone today since my brother kinda put the blame on me for not knowing tonight im going back to my hometown. thanks man, i owe you big time, sometimes i wish your existence didnt exist within me and i dont know you at all.

Apart from being an architect ive also dreamt on being an artist. Im still stuck in a dilemma. Which to choose from. Architecture? Chemical Engeenering? Art and Design?Manipulative courses. If i can do all three, i would. But thats just stingy of me to do so. Like i said before, an inspiration walked in my life changed me, but unfortunately it left. Well i hope youre doing okay, you were the reason i started drawing again after stopping for 2 years. I hope i can go far with drawing/illustraion, i wanna make it big one day. Hopefully my own firm would do the trick.

So these are a few things ive been working on for the past 2 months.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=140594&l=996f9b6c07&id=740294074

MILES AWAY - Endless Roads

They had always been one of my favourite hc/punk bands. I hope they'll come by soon, listening to their new album is sick. The songs are bloody beautiful. I hope my package comes soon too, cant fucking wait for MA ENDLESS ROADS ♥

i tried to look quiet and look at the signs. before i went to sleep, i always prayed so that ill wake up the next day. 7 hours ago...when i was dreaming, i dreamt something bad. It put my family at stake. i cant deny, i was really scared. as stupid and extremely impossible it can be, i dreamt about terrorism. And my brother was at hostage. As much as annoying he could be, as obnoxious he can get, i still care about my brother. no, i dont wish to tell my parents, but in that dream, he died. And i woke up bursting into tears. this is the 2nd bad dream i had this year.

it all started on an absolutely beautiful morning, the sky was bright blue and cloudless. the weather was warm with just a touch of autumn in the air. i remember the day before i was lousy, rainy and chilly. i really didn't want to go to the my dad's office that day but instead, i decided to go cause my brother wanted to see my dad that day.
we caught the express bus to town as i usually do whenever i go there. the ride from our place was smooth and uneventful, the traffic was lighter than normal. as we were passing through the 2nd city i remember thinking that the twin towers seemed exceptionally beautiful, gleaming under the bright sun and crystal clear sky. there aren't too many days a year like that in kl. as a matter a fact, i can't recall a day since then where the sky has been as clear and perfect as it was that day.

when we reached the building, we boarded the bus and head upstairs. we were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. masked man, heads covered with black snow caps to keep their identity pointed a gun at my little brother's head, a man threatened me so that i wouldnt run. no this is not what i pull out from a movie, i really dreamt about this. somehow everyone armed forces came after a few hours the hostage were trapped, including my brother and i...still yet my dad is nowhere to be found. ill just skip the story, i met my dad outside, after i escaped he was on his lunch break so he wasnt in the office. we waited and waited...yet theres nothing heard from the lady holding the radio reporting every single thing thats happening inside the building.

i lost my brother half an hour later. he died with a gunshot wound on his right chest. the guy sitting next to me said "i never saw anything like that in my life, only in the movies."



i hated this as much as dreaming someone i liked with another girl. and apparently it came true. i just hope this one doesnt. i know its all in my head, but anything can happen. ive faced accidents, ive fractured a bone, ive lost a family member...and infact we all have experienced ups and downs: the ultimate downfall of our lives. im not here asking for sympathy nor am i boasting about my loss, im just trying to point out that we should care about the things we have around us before its put away to sleep forever.

i know you've changed when you dont tell me anything anymore.
apparently you changed my life, and then you walk away.

WE ARE LEGION

the only way to control people is to lie to them

I tried and i tried. Questions after questions. Day after day. I tried.

No matter how, no matter what, things wouldnt change and will not. I should stop crying my heart out. No one's listening...And i never intend to let anyone hear me, dont have to hear me out. Im the girl you should not feel sorry for, i had the world but i thought i wanted more. And when i had it in my hands, close to me, i never cared, i ignored. But when i lost something so subversive like...this...i regret and forever will live in regret.

YOU CALL IT FATE, I CALL IT KARMA.

OKAY BEST SANGAT BEST. FEW MORE MONTHS TILL SALVATION. IM GONNA LEAVE THIS COUNTRY AND START A NEW LIFE. okay maybe no, but on other circumstances i wish i really can. im sick and tired here, 100 miles south. i want to go abroad! it has been a while since i last boarded a plane and i miss the feeling getting sea sick, watching the sunset in the plane (which the scenery is breath taking!) anyways, i am really looking forward to my end of the year trip with my A, M, F. Okay random i know, the days when i feel like being random.

miss bangs-gone-wrong remain anonymous.
azreena the brace face gang.

so God has his own way of showing the truth.

MEMORIES ON THE PAVEMENT.

no one likes a sad girl. think about the quiet girl you knew in middle school, the sweet girl who was slow to smile. was she sad because she had no friends? or did she not have friends because she was sad? i believe melancholy people make others uncomfortable because being sad, genuinely unhappy, is a denial of a profound message sent to them especially. It is not easy to be around unhappy people, regardless of their age or gender. bu we are expected to be sugar-and-spice. the pressure faced by anyone who is sad to be perpetually sunny is so intense that gloomy people are met with intolerance...like me.

so ill wait for you for some other escape.

down with me to the shore, and whats more of you i adore. half a year, now tell me what is there to fear? because the sky is clear for 92 miles just for you my dear.

no matter how hard you try to hate and forget me...youd always be the perfect memory.

reading my earlier blog posts made a silent drop of grief rolled down my cheeks.

im pretty sure everybody has gone through the same thing i have. having to change just to make everybody else happy, keeping everything inside and once u let it out they turn on u is really hard. i stopped caring. im happy i stopped making everybody else happy and started making myself happy.

Where do people go if not towards the perfection of their own illusion?

► the laughter

▌▌ the memories

█▌ the pain

◄◄ the happiness

heres my confession:

i am only being nice to you just so i could forget my past. so i guess its better if you went your own way.

im not shy, i just find it really hard to trust and letting my guard down for someone. doesnt matter for someone you like or a friend, i still think that im in no mood let someone new in my life. its not that i dont want to, i just dont want just because of my silly actions you get hurt and at the end of the day, i live in regrets. its easy for me to ignore someone, but the fact that i will never forget them still wander inside my head. yes i am a drama queen, call me whatever you want cause it is true. i admit.

Axe to Fall.

im just going through a phase...where i dont feel like eating,
talking, doing anything or something worthwhile.
well by facing those for the past few weeks ive lost weight.
and its not healthy. but oh well. i have my days..we have our days.

Letting your guard down so someone can enter your heart and break it!

the feeling is quite nice really. you reach the point where you feel mad at the world and act like a total douche bag without really caring about other people. presence of guilt:NONE!

I bought something for you...I bought a few thing(s) for you.

theres jealousy in me...although you and your boyfriend fight alot, but you guys always find a way to work things out. im happy for all the girls out there with a boyfriend, appreciate what you have cause we tend not to care when its there but we care when they walk away. sometimes i feel sick to my stomach hearing whenever my friends talk about their significant other, reading post after post on facebook and people's blogs. but really i wish you guys the best of years ahead...i have nothing against you people, maybe im just trying to point out that just show appreciation towards your loved ones, you might just regret it later in life ;')

So you decided to see me out of the blue
Should I let you come over?
I think you're doing fine
That girl in your arms, does she know where you come from?

Almost made me move out of town
You don't want me to be around
But I stayed anyway.. just in case

Finding reasons to hate you more than before
Like how you said you would call
But never at all.. got rid off your number that I know by heart

You left your things at my place
As if I have all the space cause you know I don't mind

Just come back when you think it's time

I'm all black and white inside
Monotonous from left to right
I decorate my house with things you love
Just in case you show up.. in case you show up

This is my 100th post. Im pretending everything is alright, i think everything is. Im taking a big step, sorry i havent talked to any of you for a long time, sorry for my rude behavior at school, excuse me for my words, i admit i guess i did change. im sorry for being self centered, ignorant and make as if the world revolves around me and only me. ill try to make it up to you, i guess thats why people dont talk to me on facebook anymore or nudge/say anything to me on msn. but i understand i guess i blew your impression towards me.

i never changed my account, i was always here.

M.I.A
i changed all my accounts. if you care,
you can ask it from me. but dont bother.
i have a new blog too, kthxbye.

pergi :'( hmm.

i have something to write

what happened?
everything used to be so bright,
my laughs and your caring
soon caught up my night,
left me waiting,
yet theres nothing in sight.
all this while i thought it was joy,
but theres nothing i could gain,
only sorrows and tears,
and just alitte more pain.
came back so different,
so out of place,
left me figuring you out like a maze,
then i realized the history is now erased
we give the last parts to our hearts,
but when we gave it to each other,
we tore it all apart.
all the hours of thinking will not bring back our sane,
24 hours...yet still wouldnt dull our pain,
24 years...it will still be the same.

these walls they are caving in on me,
as i look over the past carefully,
im at the worst condition tearfully,
with face as pale as a ghost,
seeing you was what i needed the most.
i looked in your eyes,
and saw whats inside,
something that i was terrified,
on this last sunrise.
you said you will always be around me,
when i set my heart free...
but you let me know then,
all the space and time were bend
and that there was nothing we could mend.
what was i supposed to feel about the things ive done?
i dont know whether i should stay or turn and run.
i know that i hurt you and things may never be the same
and now the only love i ever knew i threw it all away.
miles apart,
keeping you deep inside,
always in my heart,
but i know in time,
i have to hope a new life would start.

This song is for you:
"I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do." —One Year, Six Months.

life laughs, life cries, life gives up and life tries.
life lives and life dies, death is satisfaction i see from my eyes.

its hard for me to articulate what it’s like “on the inside” of sadness, largely because I have a hard time recognizing myself as a sad person. but the scientist in me cries out for corroboration and consistency across a population in defining a disorder or even something with less valence, like an event or why humans even make tears then i would just stuck vacillating between trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and telling myself nothing is wrong at all. its just all so subjective and lacks any control, though perhaps it would be best to start at the beginning, because that’s where I go when I talk to myself about being depressed.

he sees everyone as being the same and cant notice the intricate and complex personalities that are different in every person and therefore set every person apart, not just himself. the hat protects him from cold weather, but also the coldness and harshness of society. over, and what direction they take when they vanish into the sky. he uses it for two reasons, one practical and one symbolic. some define someone's insecurity are used to try to redeem themselves. It also shows contradiction in that he blames himself for having identical personalities while he is trully unique. despite how he thinks that hes not unique, he subconsciously feels that it affects what people think about him but i never give a damn how he looked. judgments of his surrounding society most often reflect his own securities and flaws. he does not notice or complain about the previously overwhelming typical, superficial and "phony" characteristics of the people around him. im writing these letter for you.

it has been almost a year
everything seemed to be in a smear
forgive me for all my wrong doings,
its normal for a normal lifeless human being.

theres too many scenarios to analyze
i dont think too much
im just far behind and im trying to make sense
i wish i could bear and endure.

we are out of time
we only push ourselves away
and every step we take
makes it easier for us to lie at each others face.
i wonder was i ever onto something good
eventually things started to slide
i just couldnt understand what i misunderstood.

i swear that shes okay, dont need a witness to her feelings
she watches them escape, the good ones get away.
so, cut and paste
all the stitches of her feelings, unraveling this way
makes her feel ashamed.
all around her people stare as she slowly falls apart
picking up pieces of her clumsy little heart.

ill keep sleeping if i don't stop dreaming.
i would stop my breathing for you.
im not leaving this life im dreaming
cause i cant stop living with you.
you take me high, you wake me up
you break me down and you got me 10 feet
off the ground.

i wanna remember to slow down at our favourite parts
cause i said hello but you turned away,
and only deafening silence was heard from the freeway,
but its okay,
the next time youll see me ill be far away.

and when i woke up today, the dream wasnt done.
i wanna see your face,
and know i made it home.
if nothing is true, what more can i do?
i wish you knew
that im still drawing flowers for you.

fucking sober, useless, unworthy, selfish.

swallow your pride, its not taking you anywhere.
let your guard down, and see the world.
trust others, not everyone is the same.
think before you act, cause you might just regret it.
and even though im angry I can still say,
I know my heart will break the day,
when you peel out and drive away,
I cant believe this happened,
and...
no, I don't hate you,
i don't want to fight you,
know I'll always love you,
but right now I just don't like you,

note-to-self Maryam, get it in that thick skull of yours.