"if i stayed a little longer. would you still listen to my heart?"

yes. i promised. remember.

ive been lethargic these days, thinking...

as i sit here, trying my utmost hardest to focus on work i cant deny that there are tears rolling down my eyes. everyone around me and everything is just falling apart. i dont know if you really knew me, but im someone who cares about someone else more than myself. i just put them a priority before me.

why do you even wonder if you were to had other parents. would you think your life would me much more simpler? less drama? having a family filled with love and adoration for one another. not a constant war of words. everyone needs someone to lean their heads on, a shoulder to cry on, someone to go through all this shit with but all whats in your head is lonesome. people are here to help although everyone has reached the verge where they cant do anything anymore. i know the feeling wanting to start your own life and get away from all this but you cant you are still a kid. youve relied on your parents for the past years, tell me how do you break free. there are reasons for the stories told by your mum. but whenever she tells you something, you will look away. youre tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. you think how does it makes her feel, how hurt and painful shes feeling inside. nobody likes seeing someone close to them fall apart but it happens almost. every. single. day. youre not neglected by any parties, people care they just dont know how to show it. someone may put a strong face and look fine with it but really theyre not. theres always people waiting to help us, as much as people say they care and love you tho they may let you down all the time, but the fact that they stayed...they stayed. I STAYED

September is reaching to an end. October is not far from now. The only reason i left is cause you left me. But i really wish you the best in life, i pray that every day you would live in a happy home, with a loving family by your side. but for now i dont care how much she cares about you even if she lived forever, i know she could never care about you as much as i do right now, and you know better. Just when you think “thats out of the way” another issue and another dissapointment comes coming. Overbearing stress because of the feeling of obligation and responsibility for eveyrthing that happens. You always ask me why is it so hard to please and satisfy everyone. I tell you...youre already good and nice the way you already are. What more you want to change. From what i see, youre a good example of a friend, will never be a disappointment.

theres this one thing ive been wanting to do with a significant other all my life, since i was a kid. for me just to go across the sea together. im going to do that. by whatever means, ill just drag him along even he had sea sick, even if he's afraid of heights, even if he doesnt know how to swim. i want to travel cause my parents doesnt have the time to actually bring me around the world. all this while it has just been me, my brother, my sister and cousins. well whats the wrong in going with someone i care about. here's the surprise. i got a surprise for you. i know that you know but lets just say when the time comes, doesnt matter whether theres rain or sunshine, in pain or in love. i will pass it to you one day, one divine day :)

This year, year 2010. time flies so fast that i lost track of time.

i got my big exam tomorrow, starting from 23rd of September until 22nd December. i hope i do well. ill update my blog from time to time.

when im done, im going to start backpacking again. my last trip to spore was err...not that fun. prolly cause i went alone and too busy thinking about exams. its sad that my friend, sabrina is no longer staying there. I NEED A PLACE TO STAY!!!

k wtv to whom who may concern, goodnight :)

12:01am.

The moments when i used to feel infinite. I even get butterflies whenever i start thinking back.

i remember mediocre experiences as happy memories but who am i to speak, those moments are long gone. not only out of my reach but forever out of my sight and they are never going to come back. the nostalgia hit me so hard in the face. but someone told me; Sometimes the memories are not the most reliable things. no matter how much i try to re-create something...trying to bring back it just can never be the same.

things move on. just like people and time. no matter how much i might miss those moments, i am happy. i'm happy and content with the people that i still have in my life. we can never hold onto something forever, that you know just isnt going to come back. its time to put the memories in the past where they belong. we have an innate tendency to mold information the way we'd like to believe it and our “happy memories”. you feel one of the days when you look back its always nice, to remember the memories that we made. no one ever forgets them.

i think im really making progress here. im picking up the pieces and moving on. it feels great. i think the feeling did fade, it did go away. ive got nothing left to lose. so im after all the little white lies. so now here i am...living my life at best. focusing on something more worthwhile and not something subversive. i want to do well in life, if i dont get someone to share it with then theres nothing left to do. I cant fight fate. i still have my family and bestfriends. i dont mind :)

you can tell the world what you want them to hear. i am done with you. 24 hours wont heal the pain, 24 years it will stay the same. lets cover the tracks we have left, i wish you well and find whatever youre looking for.

"maybe im a shot in the dark but youre the morning light"

2007,2008, 2009, 2010. Thebest4fuckingyearsofmylife thank you:)

My bestfriends, Farahain, Marsha and Amira.

Nabil, my bestfriend.

Munifah and Eleena ♥

Azreena!

Acap and Azreena represent!

The ladies

Thank you for coming! You guys are awesomeee. I had fun!

when im depressed i will start to draw...
ill start to draw something with strong lines.
yea thats how i let go of my anger, cats and drawings.
they understand me...unlike you ♥

when i finally forget about a guy then another one comes in, then i cant forget him now. arh perangai wa piangz sia. stress, why must i like guys, theyre like major letdowns, mindfuck uh their words and actions.

“How can you be afraid to fall in love?”
when your girlfriend lives 150 miles away, and
you can only end up seeing her twice a month at most,
and you’re the most paranoid person ever, it’s starting
to make sense. but she loves you. and she told you this
first, that you guys are best friends. everything she says sounds
so sincere, but it’s all just a mindfuck anyway.

she tells herself she wouldn’t even care if he fucked her over,
but then she will get really sad and scared when she think of losing him.
Although she doesnt really believe he loves her. she feel like it would
be a more powerful feeling. but now she feels guilty. because she
wants to force herself to love him back, but she doesnt know how.
and you can’t fake love. maybe shes not meant to love anybody.

so hi
I’m the fucking tin man from the wizard of oz. I have no heart.

a part of me is dead

Do you want this *___?

No i dont.

Why? Are you scared?
No, im done hoping for you

Youre scared the feeling will grow huh?
The feeling is always there, just that you dont love me you still love her and you just like the idea of me being here for you

Thats unfair...
Well life's unfair, you figure out whats best for you, until then i am still your friend and i will always care for you.

and i dont want to be the rebound, im. just. a. person. from. your. past.

you came back...i guess i wasnt quite sure what to say to you. darling, youre the only on Earth i want to have but now im not so sure that was true after the hell you put me through. theres no sharp pain this time just the ghost of your presence compressing my chest like vines. i still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again. so we cast our hearts in plaster...

im not a toy that you can play with. im not a puppet with strings around my fingers for you to pull and watch as i collapsed whenever you want. im not someone you can use...im not clean, im not pure, so you need not to rest until youre sure cause i dont want to hope.

i fell in love with la dispute over again. last time i had the eits fever, now la dispute is starting all over again.

It must be true what people say, that only time can heal the pain.
And every single day I feel it fade away, but -
I still remember how the distance tricked us,
And lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
Though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
To turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.

—Andria


I felt your sickness brush against my arm as I walked by you —
Heard your voice but couldn't tell that it was you.
And, slowly, watched your sickness slip away into a place
That I'd once feared but I was not afraid this time
So I gave chase and found it, finally, slowly feeding from your head,
And from my friends, and from my family, so I grabbed it by the neck.
"For every lover you have ruined..." I dug my nails into it's flesh.
"... and every life that you have taken..."
Slammed it's head against the brick.
It's blood poured out onto the pavement,
I stirred it in with dirt and spit,
"I will take a part of you."
I made mortar from the mix.
Tore every organ from it's body,
Broke it's bone and fashioned bricks,
I laid the mortar in between,
I made a throne for hope to sit.
"Too long you've torn us into pieces,
Firmly held onto our wrists. Today I bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.

—The last lost continent

i dont know why. sometimes i find it scary that somehow all the actors / artist i like starts with the letter J. cause thing is i rarely have celebrity crush.

Joseph Gordon Levitt
Jonathan Bennett
Juliette Simms
John Mayer
Jason Reeves

sometimes i have a feeling like my soon-to-be boyfriend starts with a letter J. well im just saying...

the first time I saw you, you turned away. i didnt see you with the blinded lights in my eyes. i said "hello" but you kept on walking, i turned deaf from the sound of the freeway. i didnt mean to meet you then, i was just a kid, i didnt mean to give you the chills, so im sorry. i didnt mean to fall, but i did. now here i am sitting by myself thinking of what to do. thinking of something new. i dont mind waiting, i never did. but you know what, nothing seems to work out. cause youre all thats on my mind, it only takes one thought of you to make me leave the rest of the world behind. The holidays had past, im glad i didnt spend it alone, memories of the time then will just kill me if i was on my own. my best laid reconsideration will only build and break your heart and only tear the whole world apart. my mind keeps racing cause im only scraped and sober but theres no one listening. is this anything beyond what you imagined? in the end we will forget what we used to say, as we both drift away and it wont change it will stay as it should be.

23/3

i got this serious illness with my digestion im glad its over with. thought:ive always wanted to be someone important to another someone. i guess, its still not the time of the year to get one. better luck next time.

i think i saw you in my sleep darling, i think i saw you in my dreams you were stiching up the seams on every broken promise that your body couldnt keep.
i think i saw you in my sleep...
i thought i heard the door open, oh no
i thought i heard the door open but
i only heard it close.

"i will never break you heart"...but you did, you did darling

so lesson learned, promises are meant to be broken, never make a promise if you cant keep it. lies are meant to be kept, so that you dont break One's heart.


as time past, as weather has changed i still love you.

yes here i go again, crying my heart out. this suck, i hate staying up late with nothing to do, i tend to look back. i tend to think back. i hate i hate i hate, i dont want to go through this every single day. maybe the story isnt finish, thats why i still have the urge to talk and speak. the page was left unwritten, so tell me what do you expect? the fact that i cant let go of this anger and hatred inside me being betrayed, being lied to in the face. how can i not see it coming. charms blinded me from seeing. sometimes...no i really regretted choosing something not worthwhile. i had the best one in my hands, so close to me then i just had to go and slip away to something subversive and unworthy of my presence. im never going to stop posting angsty and hateful posts cause ill never forgive and forget what has happened...words wont describe my rage, fullstops wont stop my anger, apology wont solve the maze.

i guess i never appreciate what i have. everything i lose is because of my mistakes, my carelessness. this time im going to make things right and not blow every chance i got and regret later. stuck in reverse.

so, hi. i disabled my formspring cause somehow people tend to ask me the same question over and over again. sorry i didnt answer some of it there. if any of youre wondering might as well i just answer it here.

1. Honestly in my whole life i only had 3 boyfriends.

2. In my last relationship, no i didnt ask for the break up.
3. Yes my ex boyfriends have met my parents and family
4. Ive played the piano since i was 6. But i stopped playing for 5 years not until last year.
5. Yes i draw and yes, i drew what you ever you see in my album.
6. I use a Nikon D90.
7. No im not rich, i just know how to save money.
8. I order my stuff online, i barely shop locally.

Currently:
Im interpreting my version of Lykke Li's - Possibility and Paramore - When it Rains (+) Doing a collage of stencils. I hope i finish these by end of this week.

unfamiliar faces

its not the best cover but i just find the lyrics very truthful and that i like atl.
"im over you now im at home in the clouds towering over your head"

im still thinking whether i want to do a new account. cause my list is getting pile up with people i dont even know. plus, i dont want the tagged photos from before, past posts, ill just end up reading through it everyday. sooo yeah, ill get back to you with this soon.

ignorance is not bliss.

many define ignorance differently if they are speaking about themselves or someone else. you may view your own ignorance as innocent yet someone else is guilty of their own ignorance. you might notice a difference. how do you judge or reprimand? some people are harder on self than they are on others. what are some possible reasons for your choices? Consider why people focus on things they believe they cannot do. In some cases, they even fight about it. you may view this as selective ignorance of potential or, you may simply notice discordant energy. the different levels of awareness affect perception of what you choose to see and feel right now. so ask yourself how you avoid being present in the moment and what you are becoming in future. to be present is to have a mind which is empty of thought, fear, judgment, everything. some people are convinced they are complacent if they do not find reason to feel anxious. so tell me now what brings you inner peace? cause i cant seem to find mine.

- nice teeth
- small eyes
- good english
- DOES NOT LISTEN TO HARDCORE (FUCK OFF)
- my alter ego
- never called me babe
- a pessimist (helps me see reality)
- never call me everyday
- never text me everyday
- but talk to me everyday (HOW NOW? : well theres a way, just think out of the box)
- never pay for my food (if you did ill pay you back or hide a stash of money under something)
- not just my boyfriend, but my bestfriend

in my eyes youre going to be the best boyfriend, but in others youd be the worst one.

you used me to let go of your past and im glad i was there to help you out of the dark. im glad i ignited the dimmed splinter. thank you for everything my friend.

one day you will find that in this world today, theres a lot of people taking advantage of innocent people and its not just the vulnerable ones, but a bigger percent of the society, which go on living with these advantages as they dont know if/or any which way to turn withough being terrified that their life might not be worth living. if i were to seek or do anything legal that might put their day living in jeopardy. this has always affected me and everybody else extremely and has contributed to the way that i am, in my everyday living. whatever happened to everyone helping one another in deep shit situations? our surrounding is getting a bad place to live in by the minute.

Well i guess if i dont want people to trample over me, i got to show them that i have dignity and that i have respect for myself and that i demand no less when people approach me. Ill stand for whats right, it doesnt hurt to say 'no' and its okay to say 'no' for the good to you and to say 'yes' to the best. Here i am letting my guard up, dont expect to let my guard down now cause youre on your own now. told you im not going to wait forever ♥

"i wanted everything to stay the same, but feelings fade and people change"

maybe you havent heard, yes the fact that im still schooling, yes. my big exam is in 2 months time, minus all the public holidays we have, weekends. i have approximately 3 weeks. im living in a hectic life. its hard. well to get good grades you have to work hard now dont you. i hope the hard work pays off.