Everything is so messed up as it ever was and false hopes were raised from stray dreams. Underneath it all, underneath the smile, this skin, is an anxious apprehensive fool who just cant stop hoping for you. I am mulling over possibilities. Its not even possible. My laughter and smile only conceal the wreckage within. I am slowly disintegrating.
You're gullible, you are desperate at best. All you do is complain "I dont know what i want". Well did i mention your cries for attention is driving me insane?

This is going to be last. This is where im stopping, i hope you have the best people in your life. In case youre wondering on how ive been acting. Well...

I SHALL STOP BLOGGING :D I post too many emotional stuff. oo yes (realize after 150+ posts) oh no im a happy girl dont worry, i have the best people in my life this time right now, your existence really dont make a difference :B

Nowadays, i have lost the inspiration to write, to draw, to do anything. Focusing on something more worthwhile. So i'm sorry i havent talked to any of you lately, i really dont feel like it even if i replied im scared i would treat you like i dont know you, i dont feel like replying. But ill say hi one day, im sorry. Its not that im arrogant, its not that i think im 'all that', i just have hard time trusting people. I dont mind being friends tho, but this time right now its just not the time to make one. The year is reaching to an end. And im not complaining, its not like im perfect cause no one is but ive been encountering and meeting people who fight alot with their significant other every.single.day. Well appreciate what you have, you might just lose it the next day. Im uninspired. Im just a terribly disturbed girl looking for an inspiration.

The-i-will-be-away-for-awhile-face
be back on next Tuesday.

you are a complete mystery. i practically throw myself at you, i offer everything and anything i have to give. you take me half way, but thoughts always run in your head like crazy. you think i dont accept some your flaws, some damages and distance. I think its time you pull it out, youre so busy looking at nothing and couldnt get better...but i hope you find what you want in life. i just want to tell you that i miss talking to you, knowing that you get and understand perfectly about me. Everytime i talk to someone else, it just reminds me of how much they dont.

When I come to you with my problems, you turn me away. Youre too busy; you’d rather do anything than help me. When you do listen you don’t really hear. Sometimes you laugh at me. You don’t try to understand what I am going through and make me feel like an ungrateful little brat. I always end up feeling worse.

When you come to me with your problem I listen. Just listen. I don’t tell you my opinion or criticize the way you think. I try to cheer you up and make you feel better. You cheer up. You stop your thought of self-destruction and stop crying. You can breathe again.

When she comes to you with her problems you are there for her. You smile, hug her, and tell her everything will be okay.

I may not be as outgoing, or pretty as her, but don’t I deserve that too? Who am I supposed to turn to when I’m sad?

Or maybe, you just don’t care.

Okay so i decided to get myself a tumblr account. I had it earlier this year, but i never reblog or post anything on it...till last night. What i post there is photos, i enjoy taking photos and i wish to share it with the world, different from what i post here, only my writings. Anyhow, I hope you take a look at my tumblr and if its not much to ask, follow :)

stoked~ been ages since i last stepped on another country. wait, well not really been only a month. but still. universal studios with mom, then head off to orchard would be awesome since i have a walking atm machine next to me. reason why im excited for this particular trip cause last year in March 2009 when me, my brother and my mom supposed to go to visit my aunt in bedok, my mom couldnt follow. cause on our way to sg, when filling the white card she found out her passport expired already. funny. luckily we just reached melaka, so we took another bus then head off to j.b. anyways so yea, since my mom is sooo busy and this saturday is the only day she's free for the past 17 weeks, i dont mind turning down paramore for a day with mom in singapore :)

10/10/10

so today i went to the zoo with my sister and her friend + izzat tagged along too! banem felt like a proud parent cause she brought izzat for his first visit to the zoo :B anyways, i had fun, im glad i spent it with this people. worth. every. single. minute.

secret: i cry every night because the boy i used to love moved on already

The feeling of something missing. what is it? its a void in my mind. a void in my life. i searched for eternity but i know i may never find. this empty space between the envelopes of my universe. I am content but there is some absence. i hate this feeling, this surfacing emotion that tugs gingerly at the core of my brain. a distance enough to crawl under the covers of denial, but close enough to hide inside my own shadow. will it ever leave? will these pondering thoughts ever detach? in my brain, in my skull leaving my throat tight...like a slow suffocation for a lifetime, my lifetime.

will i ever make it go away. i can write inot that endless elapse of time known as today and suppress this emptiness to the bottom of my mind. i can close the door and discard its key, curing this inner self by simply living. i can keep running and keep that freedom and although this feeling will still exist somewhere in me, i will not listen cause i realize that if he doesnt care i could be missing out on someone who does.

DOWN WITH PARAMORE, HELLO SINGAPORE

yeah most of my friends said that i was stupid for selling off my ticket. but hey you really want to know something, i am not that big of a fan of paramore. ive always liked avril lavigne than hayley williams. but no doubt she's an amazing, fantastic singer, hands down ♥ but i guess i wouldnt want to hear my dad blabbing how near is my exam is coming: MILESTONE TO ADULTHOOD. Anyways im following my mom to jb and not go to paramore. going to school and not going to paramore. going to my extra class and NOT going to paramore. lol its ironic. you know when a band is about to perform somewhere their songs would be playing all over the radio stations. everytime i step in the car, theres no doubt im going to hear hayley's voice screaming her lungs out. but nevermind, i still have time ahead of me. MA had always been the best, id rather go there and spend my last moments of freedom before total freedom umgh there :)

you moved on and so did i. you told me to look for someone better, so i did. you can spend, hours, days, weeks or even years trying to dwell on this, but i. am. done. friends? i dont mind but im sorry this time its me who has to walk away. theres no point of me over-analyzing the situation over and over again. trying to put the pieces back together, justifying what could have, would have happened. i should just leave the pieces on the floor. another day, a broken promise. yeah those were lovely memories but those were yesterday's feelings.

you are a devastation in the form of a such a lovely, divine human being.

this time its not the fear of rejection im facing. its just “you no longer ignite a light inside of me…”. i care so much about you but sometimes you let me down. you let me down all the time. unfair for me to go through the pain everytime you say hi and bye. it doesnt work simple as that. im not scared of the dark, im just scared of what i might encounter when im in it. im not scared of heights, im just scared that the pain from falling will hurt me so fucking deep. i feel like both could have moved further but...life is too short for love to be anything but amazing. thought you hated me and i was going to confront you for hating me for the wrong reasons, because you always seemed to ignore me. but then you said hi to me last week. i always have a hard time trusting people and the tendency of others to take advantage of my trust towards them. i used to be new in the betrayal game, but One has taught me well about life and i will always remember this one person that you should not be afraid of taking risk and letting your guard down. im sorry but i can no longer imply that in myself anymore, i feel mentally challenged. mindfucked with everything that is happening around me. im not antisocial...im not avoiding people, im just scared of rejection. the fact that im not afraid of trying again. im just afraid of getting. hurt. cause. of. the. same. reason.

im this girl who is vulnerable to that cold, stabbing pain called rejection.

i remember each and everyone of the people in my life that i took a photo with, every single goddamned one, that includes you ♥

out of all the boys; the rich, the tall dark and handsome, popular, generous and kind boy i still choose the egoistic and ignorant boy who always treat me like shit. although he's nothing close to perfect but the fact is, he's different. i will always care about you. no really i dont want to talk about it, its fine with how we're now. truth is, i miss you. if i get to see a glimpse of your face itll be good enough to go away for years.

one day, on one divine day ill name my kid after you. and in 10 years time, id be telling them how lucky i am to have met a person so subversive yet still means the world to me.