M.I.A
i changed all my accounts. if you care,
you can ask it from me. but dont bother.
i have a new blog too, kthxbye.

pergi :'( hmm.

i have something to write

what happened?
everything used to be so bright,
my laughs and your caring
soon caught up my night,
left me waiting,
yet theres nothing in sight.
all this while i thought it was joy,
but theres nothing i could gain,
only sorrows and tears,
and just alitte more pain.
came back so different,
so out of place,
left me figuring you out like a maze,
then i realized the history is now erased
we give the last parts to our hearts,
but when we gave it to each other,
we tore it all apart.
all the hours of thinking will not bring back our sane,
24 hours...yet still wouldnt dull our pain,
24 years...it will still be the same.

these walls they are caving in on me,
as i look over the past carefully,
im at the worst condition tearfully,
with face as pale as a ghost,
seeing you was what i needed the most.
i looked in your eyes,
and saw whats inside,
something that i was terrified,
on this last sunrise.
you said you will always be around me,
when i set my heart free...
but you let me know then,
all the space and time were bend
and that there was nothing we could mend.
what was i supposed to feel about the things ive done?
i dont know whether i should stay or turn and run.
i know that i hurt you and things may never be the same
and now the only love i ever knew i threw it all away.
miles apart,
keeping you deep inside,
always in my heart,
but i know in time,
i have to hope a new life would start.

This song is for you:
"I'm falling into memories of you and things we used to do." —One Year, Six Months.

life laughs, life cries, life gives up and life tries.
life lives and life dies, death is satisfaction i see from my eyes.

its hard for me to articulate what it’s like “on the inside” of sadness, largely because I have a hard time recognizing myself as a sad person. but the scientist in me cries out for corroboration and consistency across a population in defining a disorder or even something with less valence, like an event or why humans even make tears then i would just stuck vacillating between trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and telling myself nothing is wrong at all. its just all so subjective and lacks any control, though perhaps it would be best to start at the beginning, because that’s where I go when I talk to myself about being depressed.

he sees everyone as being the same and cant notice the intricate and complex personalities that are different in every person and therefore set every person apart, not just himself. the hat protects him from cold weather, but also the coldness and harshness of society. over, and what direction they take when they vanish into the sky. he uses it for two reasons, one practical and one symbolic. some define someone's insecurity are used to try to redeem themselves. It also shows contradiction in that he blames himself for having identical personalities while he is trully unique. despite how he thinks that hes not unique, he subconsciously feels that it affects what people think about him but i never give a damn how he looked. judgments of his surrounding society most often reflect his own securities and flaws. he does not notice or complain about the previously overwhelming typical, superficial and "phony" characteristics of the people around him. im writing these letter for you.

it has been almost a year
everything seemed to be in a smear
forgive me for all my wrong doings,
its normal for a normal lifeless human being.

theres too many scenarios to analyze
i dont think too much
im just far behind and im trying to make sense
i wish i could bear and endure.

we are out of time
we only push ourselves away
and every step we take
makes it easier for us to lie at each others face.
i wonder was i ever onto something good
eventually things started to slide
i just couldnt understand what i misunderstood.

i swear that shes okay, dont need a witness to her feelings
she watches them escape, the good ones get away.
so, cut and paste
all the stitches of her feelings, unraveling this way
makes her feel ashamed.
all around her people stare as she slowly falls apart
picking up pieces of her clumsy little heart.

ill keep sleeping if i don't stop dreaming.
i would stop my breathing for you.
im not leaving this life im dreaming
cause i cant stop living with you.
you take me high, you wake me up
you break me down and you got me 10 feet
off the ground.

i wanna remember to slow down at our favourite parts
cause i said hello but you turned away,
and only deafening silence was heard from the freeway,
but its okay,
the next time youll see me ill be far away.

and when i woke up today, the dream wasnt done.
i wanna see your face,
and know i made it home.
if nothing is true, what more can i do?
i wish you knew
that im still drawing flowers for you.

fucking sober, useless, unworthy, selfish.

swallow your pride, its not taking you anywhere.
let your guard down, and see the world.
trust others, not everyone is the same.
think before you act, cause you might just regret it.
and even though im angry I can still say,
I know my heart will break the day,
when you peel out and drive away,
I cant believe this happened,
and...
no, I don't hate you,
i don't want to fight you,
know I'll always love you,
but right now I just don't like you,

note-to-self Maryam, get it in that thick skull of yours.

my mind will not be enslaved by the government following their where abouts for national service. i dont want to go for ns, i wanna travel and see the world. 3 months wont change a man. let us enjoy the time of our lives.

IM A MESS, IM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK.